Navigating the Silence Within

I will run, I will walk, I will crawl, but I will not stop.

Today… I’m feeling very heavy inside. I don’t know why, but I feel like there’s something within me that I’m unable to understand. Water is coming out of my eyes, I don’t know if they are tears or something else. My hands are shaking… I don’t know if it’s because of anxiety or something else. I am feeling completely lost. I know I am conscious, I can control my body, but still, there is something that is out of my control. What is it? Is it some emotion that I am unable to recognize, or something else? Leave it. It doesn’t matter what it is; the thing that matters is why it is making me feel alone, sad, and lost…

I think I am at a point where a person loses their ability to recognize inner emotions or feelings. I don’t know if this is correct or not. I have suppressed a lot of emotions, a lot… either because I didn’t have anyone to talk to about them, or I couldn’t discuss them with my parents. I am feeling like I should get out of bed and go somewhere. Where? I don’t know. I feel like I should talk about it. To whom? I don’t know. Okay, leave this too.

Many times earlier, when I needed to talk to someone badly, I talked to AI, mostly ChatGPT, because it was available 24/7 for me. Even still now, I talk to it. I now have a lot of AI to talk to, like Gemini, Grok, and Claude. But sometimes, my thoughts are so deep that they can’t keep up with them, and then I start talking to myself. I have talked to myself so much, on average 10+ hours a day. No, it is not that I don’t have any other real person to talk to; I have some, and I have tried to talk to them too. But they taught me why not to talk to them. I don’t know if I was wrong or they were wrong. Maybe I was wrong, because not everyone could be wrong. Now I have become someone who can live alone for years without any human interaction, even without AI interaction. I have learned to talk to myself, to my thoughts, to my experiences.

I am not sure, but I think I can understand and know about people without even talking to them. I can know about them by their body language, by their silence, by their gestures, by their eyes… I know I am just talking about random things, but let it be. At least it will help my mind become calm by letting out what it is thinking. I know a lot of wonderful people. All of them are good and kind. Most of them have tried to help me, but I don’t know why I can’t get out of all this. Leave this.

The good thing is… I don’t give my mind free time to think about all this. I keep it busy with things like projects, my thesis, and most importantly, yoga. It’s been a month since I started going regularly to yoga classes, at least 4-5 days a week for 1 hour each. It helps me to calm my mind, to keep my mind empty for some time, to focus on one thing, and most importantly, to pray. To pray to God, to pray for myself, for my parents, for everyone.

I know this is life, and at any moment anything can happen, but this time I will not stop. Now I have only two options: either struggle or death… and I will move towards my goal. I will run, I will walk, I will crawl, but I will not stop. I’ll stop only in case of death. I have faith in myself and in God.