My 23rd Chapter of Life

It was mid-May 2014, I think. I was 10 years old. The sun was at the top of my head. I was wearing a cap and was coming back from school. I was in class 6th, and it was a hard day at school. I know that day there was a class test of Sanskrit, a subject that I was not good at. I passed that test with more marks than I expected, and I was so happy. The heat waves were making me sweat hard. I was coming on foot, kicking stones and jumping here and there and enjoying. Time was moving very slowly. Somehow I managed to get back home. At the very moment I entered my home, I shouted, “Mammi… main aa gaya,” and my mom came and took my bag and went to the kitchen to make Rasna, an energy drink-like thing. I stood in front of the cooler, and that feeling… I can't express it in words. I was shouting loudly in front of it. I think every child has done that. As soon as my sweat dried, I drank Rasna, then changed my clothes and started watching TV. Doraemon was streaming at that time; it was my favorite show. I have watched every movie of Doraemon. All movies are excellent, especially The Steel Troopers one. It was my favorite among them. So that was life back then.

And… blink.

Now I think I am in my 23rd year. It was all a dream. A dream that I miss a lot. A dream that also has another name, that is “Childhood.” Everyone misses it. No worries, only school, homework, and fun.

Now… I don't know. Like… now a lot of problems, a lot. I mean, for the past 7 years I have been facing a lot, mainly health problems, and some others like… leave it. I don't want to share them. From 2020, I was facing disease after disease: TB, then Corona, then kidney infection, then jaundice, then my one leg broke, then kidney stone, then… I mean, a lot of problems. My whole class 12 and BTech went in all this. In my final semester of BTech, I was a little bit healthy, so I prepared for the GATE exam, and somehow I managed to get into MTech at IIT.

The first semester went well. I was selected, along with one other, to go to France for my second year of MTech. Then came 7 Jan 2026. This day still haunts me. It was 7 PM. I was coming back from the badminton court. As soon as I reached my hostel room, a strong headache started. My mouth dried, my heart started beating very fast. I think my BP also got high. And the main thing is, I fainted. Luckily, there was a classmate with me at that time. He called the caretaker of our hostel, and the caretaker called an ambulance. The ambulance came, and they rushed me to the emergency ward of the hospital. I got consciousness for some time. I was on a stretcher. Lights on the roof were going backwards. I was barely breathing. I felt like I would die for sure at any moment. I asked that classmate that if something happened to me, then please he should take care of my family, and I asked him to promise me. He said he would. After listening to this, I closed my eyes and accepted my death, because the pain, the suffering, was so intense that anyone can think they will be dead in minutes. I fainted again.

After that, a team of doctors arrived. They first checked my vitals. My heart rate was 200+, and my BP was around 190/140. They injected some medicines, took my blood for testing, and did my ECG. All reports were normal. After 1-2 hours, I got conscious again. At that time, I was feeling a little bit better. Doctors said to me that it was a severe anxiety attack. I didn't understand at that time what it was. They gave me some medicines, and after a few hours, they discharged me. I came back to the hostel. I did not tell my family about it, as they would be worried and they are far away from me. It was a near-death experience for me. I can't explain it in detail because whenever I think of this, I again get a panic attack.

So… after this incident, I started taking medicine regularly, but episodes of panic attacks were coming daily. But they were mild, and I handled them by sitting on the floor and thinking I am safe, this thing can't kill me, it will pass in a few minutes. I faced every panic attack alone, because after hearing that I have a mental problem, everyone makes distance from me. But no problem. I have been alone since childhood. It is usual for me.

Then one day, on 15 Feb, I again got a severe panic attack and again fainted. Luckily, at that time I was at the gate of my hostel. I was taking fruit cake from the vending machine. The caretaker was sitting at the gate. He saw me and rushed towards me. He called an ambulance, but it was taking time. So one student who was coming inside the hostel saw me and said that he had a bike and we couldn't wait for the ambulance more. So they took me to the hospital on a bike. When I got conscious, I immediately called my family, because this time I was really scared and needed someone with me.

My parents departed from my hometown within an hour and reached my hostel in 12 hours. When they came, they took me home to take care of me. I spent more than a month there. There, people were saying that “aur padha lo itna, bacche pe bojh daloge to yahi hoga.” This thing hurt me more than my parents. I didn't choose this disease. I was living well in the hostel. I don't know how this disease affected me. There, we went to a psychiatrist on a weekly basis, and I got therapy and medicines.

When I felt like I could live alone, I came back to the hostel. But this time it was not like before. I started spending whole days in my room. I didn't feel like doing anything. Just lying on the bed and staring at the roof, I don't know why.

One day I thought of going home again, so I went back home and spent a few more days there and came back to the hostel. Now more than two months have passed. Here, on the second day after coming back, the same thing happened again, but this time it was different. I got blackout in front of my eyes with all the other symptoms. Doctors did ECG and found some fault in my heart. I said, great, what more can happen now. After facing disease after disease for so long, I became habitual to it. They told me to implant a pacemaker, but I denied and started taking medicines instead.

I started taking classes and gave an application and medical for two months' leave. It is still in processing. I don't know if I will be able to sit in exams or not. Now my mom is with me here to take care of me. My father is living alone at home. He also has BP issues but still sent my mom here to take care of me. I said no, but they said I need more care than him.

Here, my body is becoming weaker day by day. My mind is getting foggy day by day. I made my parents suffer a lot. A lot.

I had one thing that made me feel happy... a girl that I met online a year ago. But due to my stupidity, I got blocked. She did right by blocking me. But that thing broke me more.

Whatever. Life is life. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. But in my case, it is worse. I don't know what to do. I don't know what will happen. But in case I can't make it, I am sorry to everyone if I have done anything wrong to someone in any way, and I forgive everyone for everything they did wrong to me.

Now… I don't want anything for me. I am done with this life. All I want is to give my parents a good life and just a photo with her. That's all.

I think I have to stop here. My eyes are wet. My tears are wetting my face and my laptop.

So that's all for now.

Bye and take care.